And Again

I’m realizing, rather distinctly, that I am alone. And I don’t trust anyone.

It’s not that they’re people who can’t be trusted. I wish it was that simple. Rather, it’s my own incompetence, my own cowardice, my own weakness.

I’m tired of being me, but I’m equally tired of pretending to be someone else. I get the feeling that I’m just tired of living. Of reaching for something that’s not there, of pretending to be someone normal, someone reasonable, someone who just isn’t me.

I will never be the person I imagine myself to be. I have no idea who I am, and perhaps that’s the problem. How can a lying cheat remove his mask if there’s nothing underneath? Not even a face. Not even a name.

Just some kid who grew up fast, then never grew up again.

I have no idea where I’m going with this.

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